


Not About Love

by four_sweatervests



Category: Free!
Genre: M/M, confusing makeouts, one-sided makoharu
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-06
Updated: 2013-12-06
Packaged: 2018-01-03 20:43:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1072853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/four_sweatervests/pseuds/four_sweatervests
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Makoto doesn't know what Rin wants out of this.  Or what he wants.  Or pretty much anything.  He's 12.</p><p>Prequel to <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/1037251/chapters/2068815">Loose Ends</a><br/>(can be read before or after Loose Ends, or on its own)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not About Love

**Author's Note:**

> Whoops, this ended up a little less cute and a little more bittersweet than I'd intended. If it makes you sad, just go reread [Loose Ends](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1037251/chapters/2068815) for a happy ending.

 

Makoto knows this isn’t romance.  Not that he knows much about real romance, just what he’s seen on the television shows his mother watches sometimes, and that’s always a man and a woman, never two boys.  He thinks there could be romance between two boys, thinks maybe he’s felt it, like the way he feels when the corners of Haru’s lips turn slightly up because of something Makoto says or does, even if it’s only for a second.  That feeling that spreads through his chest and down to his knees and up to his cheeks, that makes him feel warm and a little dangerous, like he’s floating but might fall at any moment.  He isn’t quite sure if that feeling is romantic, because it’s the way he’s always felt about Haru, ever since he can remember.  He’s never felt it about any of the girls at school, even the cute ones who poke at him and giggle when he sits down near them, so maybe he’s wrong.  

But he does know that what he has with Rin, what they do when they’re alone that they no longer talk about, not after the first few times, he knows that it isn’t about romance.  Rin was just feeling self-conscious and wanted some help from a friend he could trust, a friend who wouldn’t laugh at him or judge him or tell everyone at school, that was all.  Of course, Rin never said those things out loud, but Makoto knew.  He always knows what his friends are feeling, Haru most of all, but he’s learning with Rin and even little Nagisa.  Rin, with all his insecurities buried so shallow under that cheerful and confident exterior, is probably the easiest to read, even though Makoto has only known him a short while.  

What Makoto isn’t quite sure about though is why, after the first few times after school, after swim practice, but before Rin’s mother came home from work with his little sister in tow, after figuring out how to use teeth without hurting, and the right degree of moisture, and that using a tongue like a jackhammer is decidedly not pleasant, why it is that they keep doing this.  They aren’t experts, not by any means, they’re 12 years old and they’ve only ever kissed each other, but they’ve definitely improved, and Makoto just figured Rin would want to stop once he realized that he won’t be terrible at it when he tries it with a girl.  But it's been weeks now and every day, when they’re all changing back into their clothes after swimming, Rin gives him a look, raising one eyebrow in question and grinning, like he knows there’s no way Makoto will say no.  

And so far, he hasn’t.

Makoto always glances at Haru, half hoping that he’s picked up on what’s going on, or at least on the air of covertness that Makoto and Rin have surely been projecting lately, but if he has, he doesn't show it.  He simply changes his clothes in silence, always running home now with Nagisa close behind, always pushing himself harder since Rin transferred to their school.  The now-familiar jealousy always flares up when Haru puts effort into something he never would have before, but Makoto tries to push it to the back of his mind, along with the fact that the person he’s so jealous of in the first place now spends most afternoons with his tongue in Makoto’s mouth.  It’s all too confusing if he thinks on it for too long.

“What’s wrong Mako?” Rin asks, and Makoto opens his eyes just a little to see Rin looking at him through long eyelashes, his cheeks flushed pink, hair disheveled, lips swollen and wet, and suddenly he forgets why he was thinking of Haru.

Makoto swallows.  “Nothing, it’s nothing,” he says and licks back into Rin’s mouth.  It isn’t the first time that he’s been struck by how beautiful Rin really is, but it always hits him like a punch to the gut, usually when they’re like this, tangled together in the dimming light coming through Rin’s bedroom window in the late afternoon, but it’s happened a few times in class or riding the bus when Rin forgets to put up the facade of the confident and upbeat grin and just looks… raw.  He feels guilty for letting thoughts about Haru distract him when Rin is beautiful and right here, his thumb moving gently across Makoto’s jaw just the way he told Rin he liked it the second or third time they did this.  It occurs to Makoto that Haru doesn’t know he likes that.

Of course, Makoto figures that Rin’s thoughts are probably somewhere else as well.  He’s probably imagining that Makoto is some girl he thinks is cute, even though Makoto is too broad and too tall for it.  He hit yet another growth spurt last month, leaving his pants too short and his sleeves too tight in the shoulders.  Maybe Rin regrets asking this of Makoto, wishes he would have asked someone cute and petite like Nagisa instead.  

“Rin?” Makoto whispers, even though they’re the only ones in the house, and Rin leans back a little.  “What do you think about?  When we… do this?”

Rin looks a little surprised by the question, but just shrugs.  “I don’t know, nothing really?  Why?”

“I don’t know, just curious I guess,” Makoto mumbles, feeling stupid for asking.

“I guess I just think about kissing you mostly,” Rin laughs.  “Is there something else I should be thinking about?”

Makoto smiles and shakes his head.  “No, forget I asked.”

They have about half an hour before Makoto has to leave to make it home in time for dinner, and they should probably be working on homework, but before Makoto can bring it up, Rin’s pushing him down on the bed.

They’ve done this before, neither one of them on top, just lying next to each other in the fading light and kissing lazily and slow, and as long as Makoto remembers to keep his hips a few inches away from Rin’s, it’s fine.

Rin places his hand on Makoto’s hip, fingers grazing the patch of skin where his shirt has ridden up and his breath hitches a little.  

“What?” Rin asks against Makoto’s lips.

“Nothing,” Makoto whispers, trying to ignore the heat in his belly making its way south.  “Just cold hands,” he lies.

He feels Rin smile.  “Oh yeah?” he says teasingly, and pushes Makoto’s shirt up higher, his (very warm) hand caressing Makoto’s stomach and chest.

Makoto jerks back so quickly that he almost falls off the bed, saved only by Rin’s quick reflexes, catching him and pulling him back.  Unfortunately, all the movement and shuffling around leaves them with their bodies pressed against each other, and there’s no way that Rin doesn’t feel the hard presence against his thigh.  Makoto turns red from his ears all the way down his neck, trying to squirm out of Rin’s hold, Rin still gripping him tight and laughing.

Rin finally stills after pressing his leg further between Makoto’s thighs, realizing why Makoto was trying to get away in the first place.  He stops laughing.  “Oh,” he says quietly.

Makoto, wanting to curl up on the floor and die of embarrassment, covers his face and tries to roll away again, but Rin stops him, holding onto his waist.  “Wait, no,” Rin says, removing his thigh from between Makoto’s legs, and pressing their hips together.  “It’s okay, see?”

Makoto sucks in a breath at the contact, wondering if Rin is trying to murder him via embarrassment, but quickly realizes, even through layers of denim and cotton, that Rin is hard too.  “Oh,” he says, feeling a little dumbstruck.

He bites his lip and looks at Rin, whose cheeks have gone a bit darker as well, wondering what exactly they’re supposed to do now.

Rin seems to think that continuing to make out is the most appropriate course of action, and Makoto follows his lead, trying not to seem obvious about how desperately turned on he feels.  Though apparently Rin doesn’t think it’s a problem, because his fingers dig slightly into the skin of Makoto’s hips, pulling him in closer and grinding against him.

Makoto’s not stupid; he knows what sex is, knows that you don’t have to be married to do it, despite what adults will tell you.  But he’s also pretty sure that you have to be naked to do it, and even though he has absolutely no idea how sex between two men would actually work, he’s sure that letting a fully-clothed Rin rub up against him while they kiss doesn’t really count.

He’d be lying if he said he hadn’t pictured Rin a few times when he was alone, though he didn’t often get the chance since his little brother and sister were always invading his bedroom with no notice, and bathroom time always had to be quick so that everyone got a turn.  He wonders if Rin thinks about girls when he touches himself, or if he’s like Makoto and can only ever finish when he’s thinking of other boys.  (He knows Haru does it in the tub, thinking only of the water.)  It’s a comforting thought that he and Rin might be alike and Makoto holds onto it, desperately hoping it’s true.

Rin slots their legs together again, grinding shamelessly against Makoto’s thigh while Makoto does the same to his, and he’s making these little panting noises against Makoto’s mouth that make Makoto feel hot all over.  He wraps an arm around Rin’s waist, no longer feeling so hesitant and just wanting to feel more of him, wanting this feeling to last as long as Rin will let it.  

Their foreheads still touch but they aren’t even bothering with the pretense of kissing anymore, and when Rin’s breathing speeds up, so does Makoto’s.  He can’t help but risk opening his eyes a little to peek at Rin, to see what he looks like when he’s like this, but when he does, he sees that Rin’s eyes are open too, just barely, looking at Makoto’s face through his lashes.  Makoto bites his lip, suddenly painfully self-conscious of how he must have looked a moment ago, but he doesn’t have much time to feel awkward because Rin’s breath stutters and his eyelids flutter closed again and his whole body freezes, mouth slack and eyebrows raised as though in surprise.

Makoto watches his face with fascination, nearing his own peak at the fact that he just watched his friend come; such a private and intimate moment, displayed in all its glory for only Makoto to see, like they were real lovers instead of just curious boys.  Makoto pretends that’s what they are, that this is real and Rin belongs to him and wants him, only him, and he comes in his pants against Rin’s thigh.

They kiss for a little while longer, almost chastely now, until the mess in their pants gets too uncomfortable and they have to sit up.  Makoto wishes he had some other clothes he could change into besides the wet swimsuit in a plastic bag in his backpack, but he doesn’t ask Rin for anything to borrow, because that would make the whole thing a little too real, he thinks.  Better just to leave it, and not talk about it, like always.

The clock tells them that Makoto has stayed ten minutes longer than he should have, so he bids Rin a rushed goodbye and hurries to fetch his bike from the garden.  The wetness in his pants is uncomfortable on the ride home, but he barely notices after a while.

~~~

A week later, Rin tells them all he’s moving to Australia.  

At first Makoto doesn’t think he’s heard right, Rin can’t be moving, he only just transferred to their school a few months ago.  But he’s telling them about the swimming school he’ll be attending and how he plans to compete in the Olympics and Makoto feels his heart drop into his stomach.  He glances at Haru, who looks equally shaken, then back at Rin, who’s reciting the same line as always about how Haru just _has_ to swim in the relay.  Makoto’s not even sure which one of them he feels jealous of anymore, or if there’s even a point in being jealous now, now that Rin’s leaving.

He catches Rin’s hand when the others have gone.  

Rin just smiles at him, same as always, that cheery look he gives to everyone.  “I can’t today, Mako, I have to get my sister from her dance class and walk her home.”

Makoto feels himself blush.  “No, not… that,” he says awkwardly, and lets go of Rin’s hand.  “I’ll walk with you.”

Rin just shrugs, and lets Makoto follow him.  

“I can’t believe you’re leaving,” Makoto says after a while, once Rin’s excited chatter about the upcoming relay has tapered off.

Rin bumps Makoto’s shoulder with his own.  “Why, you gonna miss me?” he asks teasingly.

Makoto smiles despite the hollow feeling in his chest.  “Yes,” he says, almost apologetically.

Rin stops in his tracks and looks at Makoto, suddenly serious, his head cocked to one side.  “You will?”

Makoto just nods emphatically, not really sure what else to say, feeling sort of overwhelmed and a little bit heartbroken that Rin sounds so surprised.

Rin smiles again, just with one corner of his mouth.  “Well, you can write to me,” he says, stepping a little closer and playing with the drawstring of Makoto’s sweatshirt.  “I’ll give you the address where I’ll be living in Australia, and you can write to me, okay?”

“Yeah,” Makoto says, hoping it doesn’t show on his face how miserable he’s feeling.

“Hey,” Rin says quietly, leaning closer and tilting his chin up.  He pulls on Makoto’s sweatshirt, until Makoto leans down to kiss him.

Makoto’s heart flutters and he kisses him softly, not really sure what it is Rin wants.  They’ve never kissed anywhere but Rin’s bedroom, never without the pretense of using one another for practice.  He can’t tell now if Rin just feels sorry for him, if this is a pity-kiss or a goodbye-kiss or if maybe… maybe he feels the same way Makoto has for weeks now, confused and scared to admit that maybe this isn’t about practice anymore, maybe it hasn’t been for a while.

There’s the gentle and familiar press of Rin’s tongue, and Makoto parts his lips just slightly, letting him in, and for a moment Makoto forgets they’re just standing on the street where anyone could see them.

They’re both harshly reminded though, when they hear loud and excited hooting coming from a group of middle school girls on the other side of the street, and when they turn to look, the girls whistle and clap for them.  Mortified, Makoto covers his face with both hands and Rin has to tug on his sleeve to get him to hurry up and keep walking to get to his little sister’s dance class on time.

Rin’s sister is still gathering all her things when they get there and Rin tells Makoto he doesn’t have to wait with him.  Makoto doesn’t really mind, but he says goodbye to Rin anyway and heads home, just smiling and nodding when his mother comments on how early he’s home today and asks if everything’s okay with the Matsuoka boy.

~~~

Makoto goes to Rin’s house the day after they win the relay, hoping to catch him before he leaves for the airport.  He does, but only just.  Rin’s mother is hovering, packing bags into the car, making sure Rin has everything he needs, and fussing over him, so they don’t get a chance to sneak up to Rin’s bedroom for a proper goodbye.  They do hug though, and a selfish part of Makoto notes that it’s a much longer and closer hug than Nagisa or Haru got, and Rin remembers at the last minute to give him a slip of paper with his new address on it, so Makoto can write to him.

Makoto leaves before Rin’s mother can shoo him away, waving and lingering in front of the house for a few extra moments.  

He hopes Rin will write him back.

 


End file.
